Control and Responsibility
Dear Daughter,
In an earlier letter we discussed the ideas of control and responsibility. Lets go a little much deeper with these essential ideas.
If you ever find that somebodies behavior is driving you nuts, please slow down and consider the possibility of control concerns on your part. Did you understand that it is possible for you to attempt to manage another individual and not even be aware of what you are doing? Its extremely possible. In truth, this is a typical dynamic in relationships that involve drug and alcohol abuse. This dynamic is typically discovered in other relationships. It is something you need to understand and understand in order to prevent bad relationships and increase your ability to develop great relationships.
Does it upset you when you hear somebody gossip. Does it upset you when somebody acts as if they are better than everyone else, or if someone is rude? These things can be aggravating, however if you remain irritated longer than the majority of other people, stop and consider the possibility of control concerns.
When you are distressed by another individuals behavior, its normally due to the fact that they are not acting the way you believe they should act. It might be clear to you that the individuals behavior is hazardous.
Keep in mind that you can not manage another individual. You can make ideas, but you cant manage the individual and make them act as you think they should. In truth, the only thing you can manage is your own habits.
Some of your pain might be since you feel responsible for the other persons habits. Believe about this: If you cant control another individuals habits, how can you be accountable for that habits? If another person chooses to chatter, be disrespectful, or abuse drugs/ alcohol, remember that they are accountable for that habits, not you.
What can you manage and what are you responsible for? You can only manage one thing and you are only accountable for one thing, which is your own behavior. What can you do in these situations?
It is helpful to stop and believe through the scenario as it relates to control and responsibility. If you are upset, is it associated to another individuals habits? Were you in control of that habits?
Now that the mind is clear, think of what you can manage and what you are responsible for. This would be your own behavior. Now you can stop filling your mind with what the other individual is doing and concentrate on what you can do. This removes a burden for you and its much more productive. You might pick to have a discussion with the person and let them understand that what you heard sounded impolite or big-headed. They might listen and change their habits, or you might be overlooked. Either way, you have thought it through and picked to act rather than react. You are responsible for your actions and you acted properly. Everyone is accountable for their own actions.
What about the individual who feels guilty because they made somebody mad? Does it upset you if someone blows up? I expect that many people would feel some feeling. Each person decides how he or she will react to a scenario. Often they give it some idea and act, and in some cases they respond with little thought.
Did you know that you cant make me mad? Don't get me incorrect, I might blow up, however it will be my choice. I am responsible for my own anger. Before you smile too big, know that you are not off the hook. You are not responsible for my anger, however you are accountable for your behavior that I am wedding 5000 budget reacting to. You see, I have a choice. I can become angry and ground you, or I can stay calm and ground you. Thats not an excellent example, is it?
The point is that not just are we accountable for our own actions, but we are likewise accountable for our own responses and feelings [an exception would be the individual who struggles with a mental disorder and a chemical imbalance that affects the emotions]
Have you ever known someone who is easily outraged? Frequently, the people around this person bend over in reverse and stroll on eggshells to keep this individual from blowing up. There are a number of things taking place here. First of all, the people around this person are attempting to control another person. Do you see it? They think that it is best if this person does not blow up. They are attempting to control this persons emotions by doing whatever it requires to keep the person from becoming angry. The problem is that all of this effort takes a toll on these people and they are unpleasant. It is irritating since they are trying to do the difficult, that is, control another person.
Second of all, these people are feeling responsible for another individuals feelings. The more the individual misbehaves with his/her anger, the more embarrassed the other people end up being.
These people are strengthening this individuals improper anger. All the individual has to do is blow up and everybody scrambles to please him or her.
I am not suggesting that you should intervene in these situations and intentionally make the individual angry, although that may be fun. I just want you to be familiar with the dynamic and not get caught up in the function of trying to control another person.
I likewise want you to be aware of this dynamic and prevent attempting to control another individual or feel responsible for another individuals habits. Understanding the concepts of obligation and control will be important throughout your lifetime.